I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
did i walk over a car last night?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
