you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
