gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
