After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
