Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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