im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
