I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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