Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Did I show you my penis last night?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
