just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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