i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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