woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize