I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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