Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
