my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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