I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
