I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
