Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
