I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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