Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
