there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
