I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
