my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
