You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
