how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
