I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
my liver is dry heaving
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize