Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
