Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
