Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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