My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
