i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
