Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
