cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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