Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Your penis caused this!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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