Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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