I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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