just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
