if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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