i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
