uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
