I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
