so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I met the friendliest cop last night
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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