Kiss
Puke
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
