he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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