if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
