i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
