Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
