The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
