You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
