i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
