You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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