WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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