i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
