Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
