I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
