i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
