I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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